I left the kids with a sitter, drove all the way to the courthouse, paid for parking, and went into the courtroom to find out that the meeting I was there for had been held earlier in the afternoon. No one attended the meeting that actually deals with the baby. No one seemed to care. Birthmom's attorney said that it is actually very common for the foster parents to never be notified of the permanency conference at all (although that is not supposed to happen). The CPS caseworker was not in the meeting- her supervisor was. I am grateful my agency caseworker was with me because I was not ok. I asked to know what happened at the conference. The CPS caseworker acted like it should not be any big deal for me to just leave. Who cares the trouble I went to get there. Who cares if I have valid concerns. She did have birthmom's attorney come to speak to me because Princess O's attorney was unable to make it today. Birthmom's attorney was very nice as she asked us to leave the courtroom because the judge was going to speak to birthmom, and it needed to be confidential (yet wouldn't it still be on court record?). I know the judge asked her to leave, however I was not pleased. I told her that I had concerns. She acted a little surprised. I expressed my concerns to her. She was quite baffled- why would I have these feeding concerns? CPS is supervising the visits. I've expressed my concerns to CPS. I told her it has not gotten significantly better. It was quite obvious I was not happy. I even mentioned that I had all of my children with a sitter. I left feeling a great need to hit, kick, break, throw something. Mr. A was possible even more angry than I was. I feel deflated, helpless. Angry that the system really didn't care about the baby's well-being and progress today. If these people had they would have waited for those that know the baby best to get there. I am supposed to get a copy of the minutes from the meeting. I will also be contacting the ad Litem. A good thing could be that the treatment planning meeting is next week, and the CPS supervisor is planning on attending. I want to go to a higher power and report this. I want to talk to some one's boss. Well, I want to let Mr. A do that since he is better at that than I am. But I don't know who that would be or what could be done to rectify this. I am praying my agency can help me. Unfortunately I've heard from several foster parents that they were never even notified of the permanency conference for their children. I am realizing more and more everyday that so much of this process is a game. Strategy is important. I don't back down on the issues that are important, but I am choosing my battles much more carefully and creatively. My mom pointed out that right now God is asking me to trust Him blindly. He is reassuring me that I don't have to see the next step. I just have to keep walking with Him. This most certainly stretches me to near my breaking point. The Spirit is developing patience and self-control in me. Today all of this pretty much stinks. I want the good qualities in me, but don't want the pain or hard stuff I need to endure to get there. I think most people feel like that. But, if this is what God is asking of me right now I do want to be obedient. This too shall pass.
Ways you can pray:
- Praise God with us for saving Mr. A's job yet again!
- Thing1 has a nasty stomach bug this evening. Pray it passes quickly and is not shared by anyone else in our house.
- Pray that I continue to remember that God's in control no matter what I see and don't see.
- Pray for the CPS caseworker and her supervisor. Pray that she be reassigned, and that she get over herself until then.