The last couple of weeks have been a little rough on my emotions. I believe there are more steps being taken toward Princess O going back to her birthmom. I've not been given alot of information, and the steps that have been taken may prove the birthmom is not ready. The scary part is that I know that parents with far less determination than birthmom have been given their children back. God has been the mighty protector over Princess O thus far, and I must trust He will continue to be no matter what. That's easier to type than to put into action.
My back-and-forth struggle with our caseworker continues. If you read one or 2 of our e-mail conversations you would say I was imagining things. E-mail is just really hard to know the "tone" in which it was sent. All of those things are understood. However, when you deal with this person at least every week over the phone, in person, and by e-mail you can see how straining it is on the nerves. This week (well, it started Friday) was when Princess O's diaper rash was pointed out. I, who am with her all day every day and change most of her diapers, of course am too stupid to catch it. I acknowledged it was being treated, and that I would take her to the doctor on Tuesday if it was not better. Unbeknownst to me this would turn into the diaper rash from hell. Nothing I tried helped. Thankfully a friend helped me with a last ditch effort on Monday, and things are looking better slowly. I did call the doctor, but she couldn't see her today (our schedules just couldn't line up). But she did let me send her a picture and then called in something to the pharmacy. I had let the caseworker know on Monday that I would be contacting the doctor today. I let the caseworker know today that we were treating it with the prescription. She said ok, and then found something else to ding me for. I have posted about the feeding issues during visits before. With the summer schedule Princess O's feeding schedule has changed a little. So, when there is no feed necessary during visits I send no bottle. I was told today I needed to send one to each visit regardless. Umm...no. I am waiting on the ad Litem and our agency to confirm that I don't have to comply. I will not be a happy momma if I am told otherwise. This child has reflux. Her schedule is important (even without the reflux). What are we teaching birthmom during visits she is supposed to be learning to care for the baby if she can feed her whenever she feels like it. And why does she care when she doesn't even feed her more than 2 ounces anyway?!?!?!
So, this brings me to the point I have had to come this weekend and today. God is dealing very much with me on where my trust lies. On who I am really allowing to control my life. I know that these lessons are good for me, but I really don't like it one bit. The stretching hurts. But, the stretching is necessary. I wanted to share what He has shown me in the last couple of days. Have I known these things? Yes, but He revealed Himself to me in a fresh way. Do I have these concepts down pat? Absolutely not. I have had to talk myself down several times just today. Remembering He is in control.
Romans 8:31, "What shall we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us?"
I can't be consumed with/worry about/try to control everything with CPS (or life in general). God is for me. That's it. He is enough. He is my peace.
James 1:2-4, "Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing."
The situation with CPS may not get better. It, in fact, may get worse. But how bad it is or will get doesn't have to consume me. I have been given the opportunity to honor God by trusting Him and His control even when I want to scream. What amazing freedom I am given to simply enjoy the moment. Freedom to love my babies without having to worry about where they will be tomorrow. The chance to mature in my growth by developing the fruit of the Spirit- patience.
So, this is today. This is this 5 minutes. In another 10 I will have to remind myself of these verses again, but I am confident that God's promises are true. He is standing with me and for me.
How you can pray:
- That I will surrender control completely every day and just enjoy the moment.
- A status hearing will be held Thursday afternoon. Mr. A is attending and may be given the opportunity to speak on Princess O's behalf. Pray that he is able to speak with confidence and convey our concerns in a way that is heard loud and clear.
- Pray for those involved with the case. That the caseworker would stop finding things for me to correct all of the time. Pray for wisdom in the decisions being made for Princess O's life.
- Thing1 and Thing2 are taking swim lessons this week and loving it. Pray for their safety!
- Pray for birthmom. Pray that she comes to know Jesus as her Lord and Savior. Pray also that she make healthy choices for herself and Princess O.